In the 1999 hit movie “American Pie” Jason Biggs plays the character of a sexually inexperienced adolescent whose father attempts to provide him with advice on sexuality by, amongst other things, providing him with “girly” magazines. Paging through erotic books of some sort is something that most teen boys will do if they can get their hands on it, and they tend to get their hands on it sooner or later. The curiosity to explore their sexuality is intense at that age, with a specific focus on the visual. In the movie it is humouristically portrayed as quite normal. Boys will be boys. For some boys this may be quite an innocent way of experiencing something which is still outside of their reach – the forbidden fruit. For others, though, pornography may awaken a very strong urge for more. More of the physical, without spending time developing the emotional complexities forming part of a man/woman relationship. Later, that yearning may grow into a burning, all consuming force for more of this drug called pornography – hard-wiring a boy’s brain to expect what he sees in those porno scenes when he becomes sexually active. The effects may last a lifetime.
Sex sells. It’s true and tragic. The sex industry, and specifically the porn industry is growing globally with an annual turnover of billions of dollars. Human atrocities linked to the sex industry, like human trafficking and forced sex has become well documented. It is an industry that locks on to one of man’s most basic needs – the need for physical touch and intimacy. For men, the quickest form of arousal is by visual means.
The Old Testament story is well-known of King David who was walking on the roof of his palace when he saw Bathsheba bathing. He immediately desired her and, being king, arranged that she be brought to him, even though she was married to Uriah. He then seduced her and later she became pregnant with his child. This act of King David had very serious consequences and even caused him to have her husband murdered in an attempt to cover up his scandalous act. Even David, being a man of God, was not strong enough to resist the temptations of the flesh. Our challenge today is even greater.
With easy access to the Internet wherever we go, porn has become just a click away. Children, and especially boys, are exposed to sexually arousing images at a very young age. We see it in magazines and movies, on television and billboards – it’s all over the place: imagery of the female body portrayed in alluring ways. And because of the fact that men are hardwired to be aroused by imagery of the female form it is easy to understand why “sex sells” the way it does. If King David couldn’t resist it thousands of years ago, how do we think our boys and men will be able to today – especially when it is hurled at us from every angle? It is no wonder that it has (almost?) become acceptable male behaviour to view pornography.
“Boys will be boys”, right? So it’s not entirely cool, but it’s kind of okay and girlfriends and wives try to live with it – even trying to embrace it by participating in the re-enactment of what their men see in the porn movies and then desire to experience. These acts are mostly vulgar, sometimes violent and almost always removed from any form of genuine love and affection. And as the journey into this addiction continues, the need increases for more hard-core stuff to get the same kick – much the same as with any other drug. It is a devastating path to follow. It affects relationships in a very negative way, creating little space for a loving, caring and respectful relationship between a man and a woman. And if you are a Christian (like me) there is just no way you can reconcile porn and Jesus. The re-wiring of men’s brains by porn is a widely discussed subject.
Yesterday I heard one of Beyoncé’s 2008 hit songs on the radio titled “Single Ladies”. We all know the song with its punchy beat. In it, she sings: “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it…” Really? On “it”? Okay, so the context is that she just broke up with her boyfriend and is trying to make him jealous by really acting out on the dance floor with another guy. These lyrics link on to the tendency to “objectify” the female form. I guess King David also liked “it” and decided to put a ring on “it” by taking Bathsheba as his wife even if it meant murdering Uriah. I wonder how she felt about it at the time. Maybe she was seduced by his power and grandeur – he was the King after all. But maybe she was forced into a situation to which she could not, or dared not resist. To me it seems that she was seized – an object of desire for the King – to be his wife, whatever the cost. The consequences were devastating and I doubt that the two of them could have shared a loving relationship.
I touched on the subject of our girls needing to feel that they are “lovely” in a previous blog. What does it mean to be lovely in this context? As mentioned in my previous blog, Dictionary.com provides the most fitting description of what lovely means: “Charmingly or exquisitely beautiful; having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye; of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.” Merriam-webster.com says “Attractive or beautiful especially in a graceful way.” There is nothing lovely or graceful about porn. Period.
What values are we teaching our boys? Are we teaching them that “boys will be boys” and that men are after one thing and that’s just how we are? And that a woman needs to keep her man happy and engaged sexually even if he subjects her to things she doesn’t feel comfortable with, just to keep his attention? You can read what a daddy had to say to his little girl about her future husband here. He sums it up so strikingly at the end of his letter by saying: “Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.” Do yourself a favour and read the letter.
We need to understand that pornography is a drug – no less addictive than cigarettes or even cocaine and heroin. Some people may spend time with it and be able to move on, but some men (and woman too!) may get hooked for life, living with the consequences and sometimes not even realising the damage it does.
Boys may be boys, but real men live in faith and build relationships based on trust, love and genuine affection. This is not a battle everyone can win without guidance and support, but the first step is to understand the danger thereof and be willing to tackle it head-on. Like it or not, making pornography part of our lives have consequences. Guiding and educating our children, and especially our boys, on how porn can harm them and their relationships is of critical importance. Our girls need to know that they are lovely and worthy and not just objects of desire for men.
If we can raise our boys to value the beauty within first, they will more easily comprehend the sacredness of physical intimacy. We will prepare them to experience the bliss of growing old with the same person. Time takes its toll and youth disappears, but when your eyes meet those of your lover when you’ve both grown old, the warmth you feel in your heart will still remain long after the physical body has lost its appeal. My prayer is that my children, and yours, will experience this true form of intimacy with their life partners instead of just putting a ring on “it”.
When we think about leaders, most of us invariably think of a strong charismatic character walking in front – leading the way and showing the rest of the team where to go. In my mind, this leader would possess certain traits or qualities such as wisdom, courage, honesty and integrity. A spot of intuition and a positive attitude would round it off nicely! People want to follow this guy (or girl) because they trust him and believes that he will know what is best for the group.
But what if the leader was to walk at the back of the group? From that vantage point he is able to keep an eye on his flock. Its sounds Biblical, doesn’t it? Intentionally so. In my mind, this is how a true leader feels about his people – family and colleagues alike! When you are leading from behind, you are able to assess the interaction of your flock with each other and with the outside world to understand their needs. This enables you to find ways of meeting those needs – creating an environment of growth and further development – a nurturing environment. Sometimes it will be physical needs – tools needed to get the job done. Sometimes it may be a spiritual need or an emotional need requiring a serious sit-down or just a leisurely discussion over a cup of coffee or a tall beer. Needs can be intertwined sometimes, requiring wisdom and a deep understanding of the situation. The important thing is to know your people. Really know them; their hopes, dreams and fears.
Sometimes a leader needs to move out of the way to let real growth happen.
Leading from behind is not about being subservient or submissive. It’s about spotting people’s talents, nurturing them and pushing them forward into the spotlight so they can shine. It’s about helping them reach their full potential. It’s about giving your flock the opportunity to test their wings and fly. Yes, they may fall – they have to for them to fully master the art of flying. You need to equip them, encourage them and be there to catch them if you see they’re going down – but you have to give them a chance to fall – at least for a while. Chances are they’ll turn out better at flying than you! And if they do, you have been the best leader of the kind that leads from behind!
My father was a military man. I loved him to bits. He was a man of stature; both physically and in rank. I was very proud of him and I can remember specific occasions which made me feel even more proud than usual. Like the times we would drive to his base camp in his big old Mercedes-Benz. We would be saluted by the guards at the gate and by everyone else in uniform as we made our way to the main building where his office was. Once there, we would walk into his big office at the end of the corridor – an office befitting to the senior rank he held with flags on both sides of his huge wooden desk. The walls were decorated with honorary awards of all kinds. Throughout his office, there were all sorts of interesting artefacts: Spent cannon shells, bayonets and scale models of military vehicles. Photographs of friends and foes with a story to each them scattered throughout. His office kept me busy for hours.
He was a senior officer, and I was the senior officer’s son – a title I keenly assigned to myself as if it was a rank in its own right. I believed that my dad could conquer the world! He was able to order the mobilisation of tanks and cannons and other armoured vehicles in a matter of hours. The politics and authorisations around doing was unknown to me, obviously. The way I saw it, he had what it took to move and shake the world! And because I was his son, I believed I had that too.
But I didn’t always feel this way about my dad. He did not always act honourably and principled. There were times when his short temper would get the better of him and he would take it out on me. There were times when he would say things without thinking. Things that he didn’t really mean and would not have said had he thought it through.
One specific day – I must have been about nine or ten years old – my dad said to me: “Why are you not more like so and so?” He was referring to a friend of mine. I can’t really remember what the context was, but I remember that he wanted me to be more like someone else’s son. He wasn’t happy with the way I was put together – with the only me I knew how to be. Or at least, this is how I felt. From that moment on, I could sense my “not having what it takes” in almost every interaction with that friend of mine. In that very moment, my self-esteem was gone – stolen unintentionally.
Although he probably only said it to me once on that specific occasion, it kept replaying in my head, over and over a hundred times. It became like a broken record – something I wasn’t able to stop that kept on repeating itself in my mind. It became part of my inner voice. In my mind, I declared that I did not have what it takes. Why? Because my dad said so. The guy in uniform – my ultimate figure of authority. If he said so, it had to be true.
You may wonder how it is possible for me to still remember that incident of so long ago. But we all have incidents like that. Just get over it, dude! Well, I believe I have. But it probably took me three decades to figure out that I DO actually have what it takes – in so many ways! Ways that are totally unique to me; that taps into my traits, abilities and personality to create a package of valuable service to those around me. I discovered that I could be of great service to man and God alike – very fulfilling experience!
I believe that my dad probably struggled with the same burden I struggled with. I wonder if his father ever took him on his knee and told him that he loved him and that he had what it takes – that he was so proud of him. I doubt it. I never asked him about it because he died when I was 15.
How can a man’s heart be big enough to support the needy and strong enough to defend the weak if he does not know that he is loved? And how can his character be strong and steadfast if someone didn’t tell him that he has what it takes? But there is someone very special that can make magic happen in a little boy – someone who can make him believe that he has what it takes – better than anyone else. That someone is his daddy. No one else will be able to say to him – with more effect and credibility – that he has what it takes. No one else can do it like dad. A son yearns to hear it from his father.
We can share with our boys what it takes to be a man. We can guard and direct their minds so they can grow strong and resilient with a moral compass. We can pray with them daily to teach them where their Strength lies. We can teach them to work hard and play hard and to be brave in the face of danger. We can encourage them to stand up for what they believe in. But all of these concepts will only blossom in a young man whose dad took him on his knee and told him that he has what it takes.
In two of his books (Bringing up Girls and Bringing up Boys) James Dobson talks about a fundamental concept that critically influences the lives of girls and boys. It’s the concept of the inner voice. It encapsulates the essence of what a child needs to hear to grow a healthy self-esteem. It is the basic starting block for him or her to understand their self-worth and sets the table for how they will be treated by others in future. The inner voice ultimately influences us as adults in a very profound way, because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Henry Ford is quoted as saying: “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.
Dobson explores the inner voice concept by examining the mind of a child to help us understand how this (self)belief system starts during our early childhood and eventually becomes part of our inner voice as adults. This inner voice remains throughout our lives and could develop into an immense catalyst for greatness. But it could also become a massive inhibitor of our ability to achieve our full potential, depending on the character of this inner voice. Amongst boys and girls, that inner voice differs, and the need (or even yearning) for what the voice should be saying is not necessarily the same. In this blog entry we examine the inner voice of girls.
Dobson believes that the most important thing a little girl’s inner voice needs to tell her is that she is lovely. Think about this for a moment. What does it mean to be lovely in this context? To me, Dictionary.com provides the most fitting description of what lovely means: “Charmingly or exquisitely beautiful; having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye; of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.” Merriam-webster.com says “Attractive or beautiful especially in a graceful way.” Wow! This is a form of beauty that speaks to the soul! Something that has to come from God – not a worldly type of beauty as we so often see in magazines and movies. I believe that this depiction of what lovely means could be translated to this: “I am worthy of being treated like a princess.”
I recently came across a letter a father wrote to his young daughter. In it, he expresses his anger at the perception that women need to “keep him interested.” By chance, this dad came across numerous online discussions focusing on how women need to be sexy and how they can make their man feel “smart and superior”. That’s missing the point, in a very profound way. I was as angry as this daddy when I observed the general trend of discussions on forums and in articles where the concept of being lovely is completely absent. Because of this absence, it is so important for us dads to influence that inner voice – to create the reference for our girls to know that they are lovely and worthy.
When I Google “how to treat a woman like a princess” I am overwhelmed with about 13 100 000 results – all steps and guides in letting your girlfriend or wife feel cherished and appreciated. It’s about whispering sweet nothings in her ear or confessing your love to her over voicemail. It certainly is romantic and will put a smile on her face. But if she is lovely, she is worthy of your time and attention. The focus is on the word worthy. She deserves it. And she needs to feel that she deserves it. She needs to know it, believe it and expect others to treat her that way. And if her inner voice tells her that she is lovely, she will believe it. She will know that she is worthy of care and attention. But where does it start? Where do I, as a dad, have a chance to influence that inner voice of my precious little girl?
From the very beginning, a little girl’s daddy becomes a template against which she will measure future interaction with men. If her dad treats her like his little princess – like a lady, and if he makes her feel lovely, she will expect nothing less from her future husband. And as a daddy, I will also expect nothing less from my daughter’s future husband. But when the time comes, I will not have a say in her choice of life partner. I will have to bear witness to the result of the inner voice which I played a part in forming and experience the outcome of the template I created for her. For this reason, I cannot waste a single minute. I need to ensure that my little princess knows – in her heart and mind – that she is lovely.
I am sitting at my desk in our study. It’s early morning, just before sunrise. Everything is peaceful and quiet in our house – my family is still asleep. This is an important time of the day for me. It’s the best time to talk to God and then plan the day ahead. Time to respond to urgent matters before the rush and craziness of the day sets in.
Just as I am getting on a roll, my six year old son comes wandering down the stairs. He woke up early this morning and got up before his siblings. I hear his sleepy little steps on the laminated floor as he comes through my study door, squinting from the sudden light. At first I’m frustrated by the interruption – my time is SO limited and I usually try to fit too much into this early morning session. But as he draws nearer, I see his beautiful olive eyes and recognise my own in them. I stop typing and watch him move closer. “Good morning my boy” I say softly as not to wake the rest of the household. I notice his hair – the wild blonde curls, still bed-head style. I run my hands through it as he comes and sits on my lap. I turn around to the window and open up the blinds to let the first gentle rays of sunshine caress our faces as we sit there and talk. We gaze out the window at a bird hunting for his first catch on the lawn. We talk about birds and animals and how it is that some can fly. And of his dream to one day become a “doctor for strange animals” – animals that other animal doctors can’t or won’t help and how he will make a difference that way. We talk about stuff that constitutes his universe – important observations, perceptions and conclusions being formed in his mind. He wants to make a difference – make the world a better place. This strong willed little man with his (sometimes) wicked sense of humour has always been a champion of the underdog; finding a “place of safety” for a frog captured by the neighbours’ kids and defending his sister who has lost clout with mom.
Suddenly I realize how blessed a man I am. This is my son; the eldest of our offspring of four; the first bearer of my family name. He has already taken up the role of leader, protector and mentor to his siblings, albeit from the limited perspective of a six year old. Sitting on my lap is a most precious gift of God, awaiting my inputs and guidance to make this world a better place – starting right here and right now.
When our chat ends, I kiss the crown of his head before he walks away. This is, without a doubt, the best time of my day – time with my child. His character is now strengthened. His self-worth reinforced and his sense of direction reaffirmed. My little prince is ready to take on the world. He is my son, and I have never been more proud of him.
I am the captain of my child’s heart; the keeper of his thoughts. I will guard and direct his mind so he can grow strong and resilient with a moral compass. I will connect with him often to strengthen and nourish his character. I will pray with him daily to teach him where his Strength lies. And when the time comes, I will send him into this world with a big heart and a strong character. His heart will be big enough to support the needy and strong enough to defend the weak. He is of me, but he is not mine. He belongs to God, and His work here has just started!
Yup. That was about it – the day I surrendered. I wasn’t actually wearing a suit, but I was doing the corporate thing – a man on a mission to make his mark in the world of project development and construction. I was in a training session regarding high voltage safety for a power plant we were managing when my phone rang. It was the one time that I was not able to attend the sonar with my wife that day. She said it was important, so I stepped outside before phoning back. I could hear the anxiety in her voice and felt nervous. I wasn’t sure whether she was excited or scared when she started speaking, but the next few words I could never have imagined: “There are three.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “Are there two?” Long pause. Too long. “There are three. Three little hearts beating, daddy.” What?! I was totally dumbfounded. My mind was utterly and completely sealed off for the concept of three. “Three?!” I asked, hoping for some better explanation. I mean, we said we were going to try for a brother or a sister for our firstborn boy – that would mean two kids in total. Two makes sense, because the world is designed for parents to have two children – you see it all over the place: In magazine ads where new sedans are shown with mom, dad and two perfect-looking kids in the back. On TV where two kids come jumping excitedly on their parents’ bed on Christmas morning. Or the ad where two brothers grow up being best buds and then have a whiskey together when they’re old – still best buds and still just two of them! I tried again: “Do you mean two?” I was kind of trying to make sense of the possibility of twins. “No, three. We are going to have triplets.” Bang! The concept fluttered into my mind like a head rush leaving me feeling freakishly dizzy. I had no idea what to say. “Triplets…” I murmured in a hypnotized tone. I can’t remember the rest of our conversation, but I believe there might have been a teary eye. But that’s because cells will die if they are not kept moist, right? Right. No really, I shed a tear. Because I was **** scared! (very scared :))
So, all our plans – out the window. The ones we had up to that point, anyway. The car would be too small (remember the two kids at the back concept?) The living room would be too small. The house became too small. The bank balance too small! But while figuring all this out, I felt very proud. Although many things suddenly seemed inadequate, I felt very adequate in a very manly way. My wife was pregnant with triplets. MY wife. With MY triplets!
When your first baby arrives, your life changes forever. I knew that, because we already had our first boy. But I had no idea what I was in for. I could never have imagined how my life would change – in ways that I did not even know was possible at the time! Welcome to the world of multiples – plus one!